How To Use The Best Shaving Brush and Bowl To Murder Your Stubble

Arm Yourself With The Right Pieces For A 100% Facial Hair Kill Count

I don’t know about you, but for me I like to dress for success. I mean, you never know what day could be your last. I don’t wanna get clipped with a whisker out of place, know what I mean? When my time’s up I want my face to look good enough for an open casket. I want the women walkin’ by sheddin’ tears at the funeral to think, “Wow, the one that got away.” 

That’s why every morning, I pop into the loo and prep for thirty minutes, no interruptions. I don’t care if Sting, Sir Paul McCartney and the Queen are ringin’ me up for a Zoom call. I’m not answerin’. I start my shave routine with my shaving brush and bowl which are sacred to me. I never leave the house without preppin’ them up for a nice lather and usin’ my double edge safety razor to ensure a 100% stubble kill count.

THE FIRST STEP IS TO “ACQUIRE” THE BEST SHAVING BRUSH AND BOWL

What makes it the best?

• Our shaving brushes are about half the price of other brands.
• They’re synthetic, handcrafted by our top guys and’ll leave you feeling more pampered than Prince Philip on a private island. 
• Unlike a mongoose in heat, they won’t shed hairs like other cheap brushes.
• They’ll last right up until somebody puts a hit on you.
• Our bowl has got a nice sleek, black look that’s designed for durability.
• Get ‘em together and you’ll have a nice shaving brush and bowl set.

A LOTTA DOPES, I MEAN PEOPLE, ASK ME HOW TO USE A SHAVING BRUSH AND BOWL

It’s so simple a monkey with a bad attitude could do it.

• Alls you do is drop some shaving soap into a cup, soak it in warm water and let it sit for 5 minutes. Then pour out most of the water from the cup. 
• Wet your shaving brush, dunk it lightly into the cup and swirl it in a circular motion to soak up the soap. Do this for about 30 seconds, and, it’ll be properly loaded. 
• Now that the brush is full of thick soap, bring out your shaving bowl. 
• Swirl the brush around in the bowl so’s you can build up a thick, healthy lather for another 30 seconds. Now you’re ready to apply it to your mug for a nourishing, comfortable shave. And wham, Bob’s your Uncle.

HOW A FISH BECAME THE CLOSEST SHAVE I EVER HAD

People ask me all the time, Hatchet, what’s the craziest thing that ever happened to ya? I’ll spill. The Don calls me up one night and tells me about this geezer, Black Eye Bil, who’s stole £370,000 worth of Mobsters goods from the safehouse. 

Tells me to pay him a visit and “steal his fish.” I asked him, “Steal his fish? What you mean? Eliminate him?” He says, no, the geezer’s got an aquarium with a £370,000 fish called the Platinum Arowana. £370,000 for a fish! I says it better sing showtunes for that kind of dosh. 

I walk into the living room and there’s this massive aquarium with about a hundred fish. I tell him I got the dope and for some reason he acts like I’m mad, screams, “I’m calling the police!” and runs into the next room. I jump over to the aquarium but realize I have no bloody idea what a Platinum Arowana looks like. 

So I just start baggin’ whatever fish I can get a hold of and shovin’ ‘em in a plastic bag. Suddenly, Bill pops back out with a shotgun, screams, “MY BABIES!” and pulls the trigger grazin’ me in the arse. The aquarium explodes into a million pieces and covers us in stinky fish and crabs. I hobble out the door with my sushi bag hopin’ I nicked the right one as he’s screamin’ and firin’ shots at my back. 

I return to Mobsters HQ and open the bag for The Don. He looks in and says, “These are goldfish you mutt. What house did you go to?” I tell him the address and he says, “You went to the wrong place.” Turns out I had gone to the home of some other bloke named Bill, tried to sell him dope, destroyed his aquarium, stole his goldfish. 

Like I said, you never know what day might be your last, so make sure you look your best when you get ready in the morning. Don’t know where to start? I’d recommend the best shaving brush and bowl. And remember, always make sure you write down the correct address.