The Best Beard Balm For When You’re Brushing With Death

Beard Balm, What Is It, How To Use It And That Time It Saved Me From Losing My Nutbag

You’re a smart fella, you know that no matter how bad you want things to go well, sometimes things can get hairy. Especially in my line of work. Guys disappear, go to prison or or just chap your ass so’s you firebomb their car. Standard stuff. 

I’ll tell you one story about how beard balm saved me life. But more on that later, first, some backstory. 

I come from a time when blokes didn’t care much about what they looked like. They didn’t groom, they’d just scrub their beards with coal and oil ‘em with mercury. 

They’d never use a beard comb or brush. They just let their beards flare out, wild and unkempt, like they were bein’ held captive in an abandoned well. What I’m tryin’ to say is that they didn’t look good, see? And they were the ones who I was learnin’ from.

WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT BEARD BALM WAS

In me twenties I was collectin’ debts with a real ox of a bloke, “Tiny” Jim. Though Jim had the face of a bridge troll with mumps, his beard was always pristine, and the ladies loved him. He stood at 6’7”, weighed 290 pounds and once dated a girl 4’11” and 80 pounds.

Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, I asked him what his secret was and he told me he only uses the best beard balm in the UK. At first I thought he said “beard bomb” and I said, “What?. So’s I asked him…

...WHAT DOES BEARD BALM DO? 

He gave me the basics:

• Said it’s like a leave-in conditioner that uses shea butter to moisturize and soften, sweet almond oil for conditioning and booting growth, and beeswax for sealin’ in moisture. 
• He used it to style his beard so’s the ladies forgot he looked like a mutant bullfrog. 
• It got rid of his beadruff, nasty stuff, and shaped his beard for a long-lasting hold that tamed his wispy bits. 
• The natural scented oils made it so’s his beard wouldn’t smell like the dog’s dinner.

All that sounded pretty good to me so I thought I’d give it a shot so’s I said... 

“TINY”, STOP TORTURIN’ THAT KITTEN AND SHOW ME HOW TO USE BEARD BALM

These are the steps: 

• If you have a moderate-sized or smaller beard, you wanna run your thumbnail through the balm ‘til you get about a half-thumbnail. 
• If you have a longer or fuller beard, like a boss, you may want to go with a full thumbnail. 
• Apply it to the palm of your hand and rub it together so’s it ain’t clumpy. 
• Massage it into your beard in the direction of the grain. If you rub against the grain it may get your beard all tangled up like a bad threeway. 
• Make sure you spread it evenly throughout your facial hair and then use a brush to comb your beard down and shape it real nice. And that’s it.

THIS IS HOW BEARD BALM SAVED ME 

I used this stuff for the first time ever on a day when me and some twitchy new guy were supposed to drop off a package for notorious crime lord Bernie Silver. This package was worth £30,000 and the twat I was workin’ with goes and forgets it in the lavatory. 

We go back and it’s gone. Now we owe Bernie the money and he don’t take well to the “forgot it in the lavatory” thing, so’s he says, “Okay, well, I’d say each one of your balls is worth about £15,000, so’s which one of yous is gonna give ‘em to me.” He looks at me, eyes my nicely shaped beard and says, “I like a man with style, Bristles. Looks like it’s gonna be Larry’s ball bag.” 

And that was how the best beard balm in the UK saved me life. Take it from a guy who brushes with death, I’ve been usin’ the balm ever since and I’ve still got my cojones boyo.