This Is An Intervention. Get The Best Beard Grooming Kit. NOW.

You’re Startin’ To Look Worse Than Your Mugshots, Lad

A mutual acquaintance of ours told me you like to play games. So let’s play a game, I’ll be frank and you can be Robinson Crusoe ‘cause your facial hair makes you look like you haven’t seen people in awhile. Glad you’re sittin’ down ‘cause this is an intervention for your face. 

Ever heard of a beard comb or beard brush? Is there no running water where you live? Sure, it was all fun and games at the start of COVID, but if you ever want to be somebody, you need to make some changes. 

MIGHT I SUGGEST A SANDALWOOD BEARD AND MOUSTACHE COMB UPSIDE THE HEAD?

I get how you got here, lad. Your dad wasn’t around to teach you about facial hair care. Your mum washed your beard out with soap when you were a boy. Your brother’s moustache poisoned him in his sleep. And with quarantine you stopped carin’ about your appearance. 

But know this, whether it be your wife, girlfriend, family or parole officer, other people still have to look at you. When you’re on a Zoom call, people CAN still see you. Wonderin’ what happened to the bloke who drops off your groceries? He thinks you’re possessed and is not coming back. 

You’re not alone with your face evil. Remember when Joaquin Phoenix let himself go durin’ that mockumentary that almost destroyed the free world? Remember when Robert Pattinson started lookin’ like a real life werewolf sat on his face? People make mistakes. 

YOU WANNA STAY IN THIS CREW? YOU GOTTA TAKE SOME BEARD GROOMING TIPS 

Start carin’ about how you look again. We made arrangements for you to stay at a cottage up north with our collection of Mobsters grooming goods to ease your transition and help you with your self-destructive habits. 

• You can start simple, yet effective with our folding comb.
• Then a beard grooming brush (link to boar bristle brush).
• And when you’re ready to start bein’ in the company of women again, you can try the Best Beard Grooming Kit in the UK.
• Finally, after you get past the I’m-comfortable-lookin’-like-garbage-withdrawal, you should try some beard oil and balm. 

It may take time to undo the damage you’ve caused, but in the end it will be worth it. You won’t have to wear your mask just to look at yourself in the mirror. Your mother will stop cuttin’ you out of her social media posts.

Alls we ask is that you try. And one day you’ll be able to pass the message along to other men with offensive facial hair. Don’t be afraid of the beard comb or brush, embrace it.  Your beard or moustache should be a gift, not an abomination to the human race. Have I made myself clear or did I sugarcoat it too much?