When There’s A Shortage Of The Best Beard Oil, Women Are Not Happy

Beard Oil Shortages Are The Leading Cause Of Unrest In The 20th and 21st Century

You and I both know that knowing your history is crucial, especially in this day-and-age of misinformation. Not a lot of people talk about one of the greatest disasters to ever happen in the 20th century… that’s right I’m talkin’ about The Great Beard Oil Embargo of 1973. It nearly ruined humanity and put the global economy in a death grip. 

You see, historically, the best beard oil had always been imported from the Middle East with their vast reserves of oil and beards. It dates back to the days of Ancient Mesopotamia where they was makin’ it out of sesame seeds, dung beetles and camel spit. (Thankfully we’ve come a long way since then) But then, everything changed. 

HOW’D IT START? AN INSECURE MAN OF COURSE (IS THERE ANYTHIN’ MORE TERRIFYIN’?)

In 1973, a brash young Brit by the name of Cheeky Whiskers made a claim that he had the most masculine and potent beard in the world. OBOEC members (Organization of Arab Beard Oil Exportin’ Countries) did not fancy this snub. Enraged, they immediately stopped exportin’ product to the west. 

The price of beard oil quadrupled overnight and supplies all but disappeared. The result? Men became dangerously more insecure than they already are. (Because, let’s face it, there’s nothin’ more terrifyin’ than an insecure man). 

It was chaos. The world dove into recession. Businesses shut down, people lost their homes. Girls stopped speakin’ to their fathers. Boys began snortin’ LSD. Planes began droppin’ out of the sky... RIP Lynyrd Skynyrd. Murders jumped to a hundred a day. And maybe worst of all, The Captain and Tennille recorded “Muskrat Love.” Yechhh.

THE LENGTH AND SHAPE OF YOUR BEARD IS NOT WHAT MATTERS, IT’S HOW YOU CARRY IT

Most of the world’s wars have been started because of beard oil shortages. Kuwait, Iraq or any invasion ever made by any bushy King in history. 

Men have been sizin’ up the shape and length of their beards ever since humanity learned to make fire. But I’m gonna give it to ya straight: the shape and size of your beard is not what matters, it’s how you carry it. Beard oil will help you bring that out, but it’ll only work if you already have what it takes on the inside. Got it?

DOES BEARD OIL WORK? YOU BET YOUR CHINBAG IT DOES

If you have a short beard, good for you. A lotta people ask, “Should I use beard balm or oil or wax?” And for shorter beards a good oil’s our recomend. Why? 

• ‘Cause it’s made of essential oils and natural ingredients.
• It moisturizes your beard hair and skin and gives you a nice fragrant scent that’ll cover any of your unsavory odors. (Don’t stop brushin’ your teeth though mate). 
• It’ll help cleanse your pores and prevent you from breakin’ out… the only breakin’ out we do here at Mobsters is from prison see? 
• It’ll keep your beard from dryin’ out and reduce beard itch, irritation and beardruff... nasty stuff that beardruff. 
• The oil will give you a nice shape and hold and isn’t as thick in consistency as beard wax which we recommend for men with longer beards.

DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU HOW TO APPLY BEARD OIL?

Here are some tips for the most satisfactory application.

• It’s best to apply after the shower as the warm water will open the pores in your skin. You do shower don’t you? Make sure your face is a little damp but not wet. 
• Use the pipette that comes with the bottle, put a few drops in your hands and rub them together until they are lightly coated. 
• Start by applyin’ it to the hair under your chin at the roots and massage it up and out until it has been spread evenly throughout your beard. 
• Be sure to get the tips of your hair as well since those can be the driest and most damaged bits. 
• If you need a little more oil, you don’t need to read the bible on how to use beard oil, just add it appropriately and you’ll be fine. 
• Then use a beard grooming brush or folding comb to finish it up and style it as you see fit. 

Remember, mate, it’s good to know your history. Beard oil can help you be your best self is you already have what it takes inside, but it’s not worth destroyin’ the world over. Savvy?